BBW (Big Beautiful Weirdo)

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With her valley girl inflections and babed out style, Nicole makes her NYC audience laugh and sometimes cringe with secondhand embarrassment. With her hair in a PERFECT half-up half-down pony, and wearing a leopard print top with a sweet purple pantsuit, she looks like a hot lavender menace. It should be noted that Byer doesn’t do labels; she’s said she would and has dated folks of any gender, but sticking a name on her sexuality just isn’t her vibe. That means that all of you reading have the opportunity to woo, wine, and dine her — but 90% of you probably don’t deserve her so I am wondering who will prevail.

In the one-hour special she goes through stories that are inherently Nicole Byer. We hear about her time in quarantine which involves a funeral for a cat, get her theory on how the story of our favorite wizard may be inspired by the KKK, and my favorite — her deep want of Gloryholes for girls. Now just like Nicole, I am someone who is persistently craving sex (I was gonna type consistently craving cunt but I know how some of you girls are shy or whatever), so that last bit really hit home. Because as much as she wants to be slurped and suckled at a Gloryhole, I want to squirt in steam at a bathhouse, but alas, we are both left dreaming of our simple sexual wants.